Passions Fade

2008. Mid-September. A cool breezy night. I, at nine years of age, was watching the Kennedy Marching Band perform for halftime at a football game. I was in awe of the formations and colors. The drums' vibrations were felt in my stomach. It was the only thing that tore my attention away from my nachos that night. I knew I wanted to be in the color guard from then on.

I became a member my freshman year. Though my skills were lacking, I worked hard and was a little obsessed with the activity. after all, it was a sort of dream of mine. I had such intimate friendships with other members and loved performing. It was something that I found joy in and never wanted to stop doing. Color guard was a piece of my identity back then. In the springtime, I found myself missing marching.

There was drastic improvement in the time between my freshman and sophomore years. Sophomore year was much more wholesome, as my effort had paid off. My skills were developed and my heart was still beating for performance. That was the senior year of so many of my friends, but  I never wanted it to end. We didn't rank well, but that wasn't an issue because the act of performance was enough to satisfy me.

Junior year. Almost all of my best friends in guard had graduated. We actually had some pretty snazzy costumes, and the show was Jekyll and Hyde, one of my favorite stories. We placed so well, and it was deemed one of the most successful years for the band in a while. You'd think that this would be heavenly for me. It would only make sense, yeah? Unfortunately, I found myself hating it at practices, and feeling little post-performance. Whatever I had felt before had left me. Even when we did so well at our biggest competition, I felt relatively nothing. Where did it go? My therapist suggested that it could be because my identity had developed past the need for color guard to be a large part of who I am. It was definitely a thought that stuck, and I think she could be right. I mean here I am, with a guaranteed spot as the leader next fall, instead choosing not to complete a four-year run in marching band. I have the skills and there are expectations for me to lead my teammates next year, but I just can't bring myself to dedicate so much of my life next year that I don't feel passionate about. I'm going to get so much slack for it, but I truly think I've just grown out of my state of being as a member. Though it's so incredibly disappointing, I really feel that it's my time to move on and just keep developing and that it's simply a sign of age.