Norwegian Wood

With my decision to start reading for fun, I decided to dive into the work of Haruki Murakami. The first book in my plan was Norwegian Wood. Unlike most of Murakami's other works, Norwegian Wood lacks any magical realism, and instead follows the experiences of a young man. Though he is thirty-seven in "the present", the story mostly follows his life during and a little after his college days in the sixties. As with all of Haruki Murakami's writing, Norwegian Wood is incredibly thoughtful, and though slow at times, creates a rich story.

In place of a dynamic plot full of action and twists, Murakami builds complex and varied characters. The lives of these characters don't feel dynamic, but rather live their lives at the same pace of most people. The humanity in Norwegian Wood was really something that I appreciated. Nothing about the book was glamorous in the least. Though these were all qualities I enjoyed, the story is definitely not for some people. There are also frequent sex conversations and acts, as well as numerous suicides.

I would definitely recommend Norwegian Wood to someone who enjoys coming-of-age stories and reflective novels. It's really a great work.

-Spoilers below- 


Though I wish to avoid summarizing the plot, I can't help but share my interpretation on the ending for anyone who has also read the book. When I first finished the last few paragraphs, I was hella confused. The story went from sex with the roommate of suddenly-deceased Naoko to a scene in a telephone booth when Wantanabe calls a confused Midori. 

"At last, Midori's quiet voice broke the silence: 'Where are you now?'

Where was I now?

Gripping the receiver, I raised my head and turned to see what lay beyond the telephone booth. Where was I now. I had no idea. No idea at all. Where was this place? All that flashed into my eyes were the countless shapes of people walking by nowhere. Again and again, I called out for Midori from the dead center of this place that was no place.?

Murakami's attempt at creating an open ending was definitely successful. Immediately after finishing the last paragraph, I went online to search for interpretations. My interpretation is that after Naoko's death Wanatanbe continues the traveling that he had begun after he heard of her end. We, as readers, know that he has moved around a lot since. He backpacks throughout Japan, and there's also the scene at the West coast where he has a realization about Hatsumi. I believe that the last section actually follows the beginning, where Wantanabe is in the airplane and stumbles upon his memories with an overwhelming emotional and physical reaction. Many many years after Naoko is gone, he realizes that he doesn't want to lose Midori, or himself. 

 

Reading for Fun

In my freshman year, I took AP Art History, and continued with AP classes in each year of high school. The large amounts of homework and night textbook readings soaked up almost all of my free time and effectively slaughtered my interest in reading. Before, I used to either read a book a day, or embark upon massive novels a week each. Reading was a major hobby of mine, and I often read instead of slept. I was a very strong reader that flipped pages quickly and had an active imagination. Unfortunately, my reading shifted mainly to textbooks with the coming of high school. Sure, I can read textbooks fine and get a lot of information, but when I would try to read a book for my own personal enjoyment, I could not longer effectively follow the plot or feel the author's intended impact.

Recently though, I've decided to pick up reading as a hobby again. Honestly, compared to the skill that was there before, I suck. My focus floats and the pace is much slower than before because I often have to go back to absorb all the written details. Hopefully I can rebuild the skill with lots of practice and determination. Right now I've decided to focus on Haruki Murakami's books because I enjoy his topics and style, plus I can organize my the order of books I read by the varying complexities.

I just want to encourage anyone that enjoys reading to keep dedicating time to immerse yourself in words because the skill does go away if it's not exercised.

Quit doing these things to people of multicultural heritage (seriously)

My mother is a Filipina and my father is a half-Italian American. Growing up half Southeast Asian and half (mostly) Caucasian was and continues to be incredibly confusing. I know for a fact that not all, but several other mixed individuals have felt conflict in the area of cultural identity. There are definitely a group of those who fortunately don't have to experience these things, but I'd say a large number do. Interracial relations have grown increasingly more welcomed and accepted socially, but people still say some things that are offensive, whether intentional or not. I'd just like to share a few examples.

Stop pressuring mixed people to choose a "side".
This one is so common. One thing that drives me crazy is how people stubbornly see in black and white, and this thinking most definitely applies to how they view racial/cultural identity. This may be a shocker, but more than one ethnic background can coexist in a person, I promise. Yes, it is not impossible. Don't ask someone "So are you _______ or _______?" They may identify with one more than the other, but for heaven's sake, they. can. be. both.

Stop invalidating how they identify(!!)
Oh boy, this one comes back stubbornly, much like herpes. I'll just use my background as an example for this next piece. If I say something reflective of my Asian background, don't say "but aren't you white too?" In a circumstance where I tell you about negative experiences I've experience as someone who is Asian, don't reply with "but you're also white". I mean really, how is that relevant? If what you're going to say starts with "But aren't you....", just don't say it. Save everyone's time. Also saying "You don't look _________" when someone tells you what they are is rude. First of all, people of the mentioned race/cultural background will not all look the same. Secondly, someone will look like the identity they've stated because that are that identity.

Don't treat multicultural people as some sort of "other"
A common struggle for mixed people is a heavy lack of belonging because we often just don't quite fit in. "You're too _____ to be _______" is not an uncommon phrase. Individuals tend to feel out of place in any of the cultural groups of their heritage, regardless of how they identify. Another dehumanizing piece is fetishization and objectification. Especially with mixed women, people will consider them exotic and fetishize the heck out of them. Also, there's this recent obsession with having mixed kids, which on the surface sounds positive, but 100% makes several mixed people including myself uncomfortable. The fascination with multicultural people and children causes further alienation.

In Times of Nostalgia

Perhaps I am too young to feel this way, but sometimes there are waves of nostalgia that wash over me, dousing all of my being. I'm only sixteen years old, but a mere two years ago feels like another life. Responsibilities are delivered with time, and the sweet innocent rose tint of the world begins to caramelize, threatening to burn. I feel nostalgic most when the seasons change. The transitions remind me of change, but the yearly repetition brings forth the past.

Nostalgia is a weird sensation. Sometimes it's heavy and dark, but other times, it's comforting.
I'll find my heart ache over easier times, or lost friendships. Sometimes it's warm and I feel a sense of pride when reflecting on my development and growth. Overall it's just very complex.

Sometimes I just take time to reminisce. This involves silent isolation where I can retreat into my head, reliving feelings and rebuilding environments. Other times, I look back at old pictures and listen to old songs. The best actions in moments of nostalgia are when it's shared. Whether it's over coffee or at home, to reflect on past times with friends is such an intimate and relieving thing. It's something that brings friends closer and affirms that there is still care.

Viewing old times has also made it apparent to me that memories aren't big events or dramatic happenings, but rather small happenings. In Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood, the protagonist Toru says "Memory is a funny thing. When I was in the scene, I hardly paid it any mind. I never stopped to think of it as something that would make a lasting impression, certainly never imagined that eighteen years later I would recall it in such detail." This thought is important, because I know that I often feel like my life has become nothing but insignificant actions. When that happens, I flee to times when I was younger. The thing is, realistically thinking, these times were not any more phenomenal in context.

Pros of Winter Photography (will add photos later)

I am simply a summer person. When I was new to photography, the winter period presented little productivity. In fact, I can only recall two memorable instances of me going out and taking pictures (compared to my usual weekly/biweekly outing). The white uniformity outside and cold temperatures left me uninspired and discouraged. 

This year, I held a portrait shoot with the coming of the first snow and it was just lovely. Though I still prefer summer and fall shooting, there are distinct pluses to winter photos. 

1) The white snow acts as a natural reflector to sunlight. The light bounced off of snow casts a bright glow on your model's face. The more common overcast days are also a pro, with softer and more even lighting. 

2) Snow acts as a seasonally unique prop. It can be thrown for cute and quirky shots. When it snows, there's also an added atmospheric element, contributing to mood. In either instance snow adds movement and interest to a scene.

3) Sunrises come later. Sunrise and sunset are ideal shooting hours due to the diffusion of rich soft light. I'm all for waking up with the sun, and occasionally do a sunrise shoot, but especially in the summer, it's just so incredibly early (5am!). In the winter, however, the sun is just as lazy as you, and rises at a reasonable time. 

4) The barren trees and snow allow for a fairly blank canvas. With a less distracting background, your foreground garners extra focus. Having a lack of colors also causes more saturated tones to dramatically increase in vibrancy. This is especially useful for color play. 

5) Freezing outside preps you and your subject for relaxing hot cocoa afterwards. After I finish shooting, I chill with my model and go through the resulting pictures together. I must admit that it's best in the winter when there is heating, fuzzy socks, blankets, and hot cocoa. The harsh cold just makes the warmth even more relaxing.

Idealism // Realism (very short and simplified post)

I've always been someone idealistic by nature, but somehow sometimes a very cynical individual. Idealism is most lethal when regarding people. Yes, you can see something wonderful that everyone possesses. You can find beauties in the human condition and lack weighty negativity toward others. But it leads you back to people that wound you. When you idealize people, they can neglect you or spite you, but at the newest bit of friendliness, they're a great person again. Clearly this is unhealthy and problematic, so I struggled to balance reality and rosy vision.

All humans have good somewhere in them, but this does not make everyone a good person.

This is my conclusion that emerged a few days ago. Things are almost never in black and white. There is always going to be the gray space. People are not all good or all bad. Though it's magnificent to view the positive traits of people, sometimes you have to be realistic and acknowledge the faults, lack of regard, and hurtful tendencies that some people are saturated with.

Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover: Mark Rothko

Though he refused to be attached to any specific labels, Mark Rothko is considered an iconic artist in the Color field genre and regarded as an Abstract Expressionist. Rothko was of Russian Jewish descent and emigrated to the United States of America in his youth.

I saw my first Rothko painting in my A.P. Art History textbook during the spring of my freshman year in '14. The first thoughts in my mind were I could easily do that and Why is that so famous? Of course, I learned the significance of the radical abstract art movements, and though I was impressed by the act itself, Rothko's art just didn't interest me at all. 

Later that year, I had to teach my class about three different artists (Rothko was one of them). Mark Rothko lived a tough life and struggled with looming depression. (I would encourage you to read about it if you enjoy biographies. Really a rich story.) After this, I was very very intrigued by him as a person, but still just wasn't into his art. 

Late April included an APAH and AP Studio Art day trip to Chicago to visit the Art Institute of Chicago, see the Blue Man Group (because performance art, of course), and spend some time downtown. Before anything, I'd like to share that seeing works in person is comparable to seeing some amazing musicians live in concert; viewing art online or on paper is a different experience than seeing the original in person. I was just walking through the floor when I turned the corner and saw it. I can't remember exactly which piece it was, but there were hues of cool blue and gray. The canvas was fairly large and the piece just sucked you in. It created an atmosphere, like storm clouds swirling around you. Any prior judgments disappeared right there, right then. When viewing it, I felt despair, emptiness, confusion.The painting did not capture a scene, but rather externalized emotion on a canvas, exactly how Rothko intended. He once said:

“I'm not an abstractionist. I'm not interested in the relationship of color or form or anything else. I'm interested only in expressing basic human emotions: tragedy, ecstasy, doom, and so on.” 

I'd say he was always successful in doing so.

Most Beautiful Moment in Life: Jacob

"What is your most anticipated future moment?"

"In the future I would like to move to someplace out of the country, like Korea or Japan, and become an English teacher. It's something that interests me and sounds like a lot of fun. I'm from Korea and I went to Japan this summer, so it just sounds like it would be a really really great experience."

"What did you like most when you were in Japan?"

"I really liked just how everything felt there, I guess. It was really different and I just felt like I enjoyed it better there than here. I think that if I lived there, I would feel a lot better. It just felt more like home."

"Why did you start studying Japanese?"

"I started studying Japanese because initially I wanted to learn Korean, but since they don't offer it here, I had to choose between Chinese and Japanese. In the end, I decided on Japanese."

"When you go to Japan, what kind of experiences do you want to have?"

"I really like being in crowds, like in the city, unlike here where it's kind of bland and not as busy. I like always being busy and being around people."

"What kinds of interactions did you have? Were they different than interactions with people here?"

"Compared to here, people just generally felt more friendly and respectful. People were still maybe not willing to just approach you out of nowhere and say hi, but if you asked for directions or just asked a question, they'd be willing to help you."

"What was your most rich visual memory from Japan?"

"The most beautiful thing I experienced or saw was probably going to the temples and being in an environment where people would come to worship gods. There were beautiful large and ornate structures. It was calming and it just felt peaceful." 

Most Beautiful Moment in Life: Morgan

I went to China this summer, and I would say that say that was one of the most beautiful times in my life. One day in particular, the Fourth of July, we were in Shanghai, so we went to go visit the Pearl Tower, the TV tower.  We went up there and saw the city. That was pretty cool, but later at night, we went on the river in a boat. The city was all lighting up. It was incredible. I don't think I can quite describe how beautiful it was. At first it started out with a few lights here and there, but eventually everything lit up and it was like a kaleidoscope of so many different colors. The water was reflecting everything too. We passed by really colorful boats. Best Fourth of July ever. Probably the most beautiful moment of that trip."

Morgan's picture of Shanghai on the river

"What was a funny moment?"

"A funny moment?  Oh man. Well, there was one time my roommate Emma and I were walking around the city, and we were stopped by a stoplight before crossing the street. All of a sudden, this lady starts speaking to us in rapid-fire Chinese. I was just like 'What's she saying?'. She started pointing at my face, and I was like 'Huh?'. I pointed to my face and she kept repeating these words and eventually I realized she was talking about my freckles. I was like 'These?' and she was like "Yes! Yes! They're very pretty!' It was pretty funny. The whole time, Emma didn't understand a single word, so she had no idea what was going on. Another funny thing was when people would take pictures of us. Emma and I are very white, and stuck out a lot with our blonde hair and freckles. One time, we were at Tienanmen Square and this elementary school-aged girl. She asked 'Can I take a picture with you?' and of course we said 'Okay!' So we're taking our pictures and her parents are like "No! Put your arms around her!' and of course, we were like 'okay!(????)' then eventually, she almost reached up and kissed my cheek. I turned around and was like "Woah!' but it was a good time."

Morgan and Emma

"What was the most emotional part of the trip?"

"Saying goodbye to everyone at the airport. I came to China with nineteen other American students and I cried so much when I was saying goodbye to all my friends. Emma and I were walking  to our boarding gates and we were both crying. That was the worst. It was so sad. I cried on the plane on the way back to Iowa. We landed in Detroit before and then all branched off. When I was crying on the plane, people around me were asking if I was okay and I just responded with 'Yeah?' in the middle of crying. I cried and slept a lot."

"Do you guys text?"

"Yeah, we text and send little cards to each other."

"Any romance in China?" (This question was accompanied with some active eyebrow wiggling. The topic is one that Jacob and I frequently teased Morgan about in the past few months.)

"No????!! Not really. I had several guy friends. There was this one guy. A bunch of our classmates were teasing us so much, calling us boyfriend-girlfriend. His name was Conner (a member of her group from America). We hung out a lot. It started when we were playing chess."

"Woah there. Chess? A little erotic, Morgan."

(Jacob from the side teases, "Erotic chess?" Morgan says no, obviously, and rightly ignores the rest of his comments.)

"Yeah, I think we both liked each other but never wanted to start anything because he lives in Nevada."

"Do you still talk?"

"He hasn't emailed me in a long time.... I emailed him some stuff about marching band but yeah, I don't know."

"Were there any difficulties adjusting?"

"When I first got there it was hard, living with people that who wanted so much from me...like my mom."

"How was the domestic situation in China?"

(Jacob says 'With your boyfriend.' Again, Jacob is ignored, as he should be.)

"My host family was apparently really well off. They lived on the lower floor of the apartment building, so we had an upper floor and a basement. The basement is 'mine'. They were really relaxed.I would come home late a couple nights and they'd just be like 'Oh, whatever.' As long as no one tells the teacher, we're good."

(Jacob comments 'Erotic chess.')

Morgan and her host sister

------------------

Morgan actually described her experiences on a blog: mygreatleapforward66.wordpress.com

5 Common Elements of an Absolutely Stunning Photographic Masterpiece (Works every time)

I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I would passionately argue that the best part of portrait photography is all the awful shots one captures. They're just hilarious. The gorgeous post-editing pieces give a good feeling too, but the unflattering pictures are something else. The following are the factors that lead to such beauties. I'd advise taking a moment to prepare yourself before proceeding.

5) Blinking
Sometimes gross (BEAUTIFUL) pictures just emerge when your model is posing and they blink. It's unavoidable and there are at least three in each film. The drooped lids evoke at least twenty seconds of laughter minimum when I find them. My favorite ones are pictures where the subject just looks annoyed.

Examples (click to enlarge):

4) Taking the picture before your subject is ready

The result is something that could of been great but just wasn't quite there yet.

3) Photographing your model while they're talking
Humans generally just don't look their best mid-speech. Speaking involves varied mouth, eye, and eyebrow movements that just aren't meant to be captured.

2) Shooting while your model is executing normal human functions
Actions like adjusting hair, scratching an itch, coughing, yawning, etc. are bound to happen sometime. It's best to photograph them, as they do not last long. No, they don't make good art, but they make hilarious pictures. Photograph them for your own enjoyment. Just do it.

1) ACTION SHOTS

Action shots are my favorite thing to photograph. They're a pain in the arse to adjust your settings for, but dang, they produce some of the BEST pictures. Seriously, these are hilarious. Not only does your model defy gravity, but their face is often too good. I can't even. 

Bonus short story! (Goes with #5)
I was editing a picture of my friend earlier today and thought it was super cute. Initially, it just looks like an adorable shot of a lovely girl happily spinning with nature all around her. The photo gave me similar vibes an Monet's Woman with a Parasol. Midway through editing, I noticed her face and was filled with dread. I mean seriously, look at this:

I'm done.

On Companionship

My best friend/queen Elizabeth and me

This sounds like something from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, I know, but being with good friends is really something special. Throughout my adolescence, the effect of being with friends always confused me. It wasn't a frequent thing, but being with people that are close to me would make me feel excited and joyful. Seems like an obvious thing, but while living with chronic depression, to feel like that is something crazy. 

As an introvert, being alone is great. Unfortunately, being alone is also not the best thing with depression and anxiety. Overthinking runs rampant. You know the feelings that emerge at 3AM after everyone has fallen asleep and the world just seems a little darker? For me and many others, that's what it's like at all hours on a normal day. 

Again, what really threw me was why I felt so normal with other people. It really didn't make sense. It was(/is) incredibly perplexing to feel awful typically, then have moments where things were(/are) unarguably great. Because of this, I felt like an over-dramatic poser, which I definitely was and am not. Just yesterday, after five years of this, I realized why this happened.

Philosopher Alan Watts once said:

"A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts. So he loses touch with reality, and lives in a world of illusion."

This is crucial. Mental health disorders often involve intense feelings of being trapped. The mind turns into a cage (and a hella strong one at that). You become stuck in the boundaries of your head, lost in thoughts. Reality becomes more and more abstract and everything just feels wrong. Despite going through daily life, things don't really reach you.

My big revelation was that close friends have the ability to pull you out of your thoughts. When you truly engage with people, you're sharing thoughts, energy, ideas, and experiences with them. Friends can sometimes yell over the prolific critic in your thoughts, temporarily breaking bonds. It's a simple idea, but honestly, I hadn't even come close to seeing it. If anyone else has felt confused about why they're okay with friends, there is a reason for it, and it does not invalidate your experiences away from them.

Thoughts on Jennifer Phang's "Advantageous"

*Potential spoilers

Last weekend, I watched low-budget feminist sci-fi film Advantageous. Though Advantageous may not satisfy those who seek action and a turbulent plot, it is a thoughtful and elegant work. The plot unfolds through subtle statements and scenes. The aesthetic overall is very clean as well.

The movie's poster is rather misleading, due to the focus being more about abstract concepts of the human condition than technology itself, but Advantageous stays true to its subdued style with a future that simply seems normal. It is a future that makes sense. The chronological setting is not played up, like with many other futuristic movies, but is instead treated as what is. This New York includes towering upgraded modernist buildings and a blank white sky. Like the emptiness of the sky and its cold lighting, there is little compassion. Today's social issues are only elevated.

Above anything, Advantageous is about maternal love, dedication and sacrifice. Gwen, the protagonist, is the single mother of 12-year-old Jules. She works at a biomedical engineering firm, the "Center for Advanced Health and Living". The Center had recently come far in development in a process which transfers the consciousness to a younger, beautiful body. Of course, the target audience is women. In this future, women are struggling to find jobs, struggling to conceive due to growing infertility, and are expected to be reliant on men. Gwen, who is not old, but no longer young, faces incredible hardship when her position as the face of the Center is to be exterminated. Gwen searches for other occupations, but because the society demands youth, the only possibility of money would be in egg donation (which she still is considered old to be doing). At the company, Gwen is manipulated into being the first person to have the consciousness-transferring process executed on. The biggest pressure and tool in persuasion was Jules' incredibly expensive tuition, which Gwen cannot bear to deny. As a mother, she is willing to sacrifice her everything so that her daughter can be successful in life.

Here are only a few what I considered the most thoughtful pieces of Advantageous:

In the scene above, Gwen finds out that Drake, who was like a sort of over-the-phone assistant, is not human. He than asks her "How do you define a human being?" to which she replies with "Do you have blood running through your veins? Do you get thirsty?" Drake replies with "That is the definition of a human being?" leaving Gwen incredibly confused.

Gwen tries to remain optimistic in her search for income, but she finds that society just wants nothing she has to offer.

As technological advances accelerate, there is little room for those who can't keep up. Mere human existence isn't enough anymore.

Even Jules is very aware of the adults' lack of direction. She knows that no one really knows how to handle where society is going, and she's conscious of the fact that there is only interest in what she can offer in profit, rather than her true characteristics.

Twice in the film, Jules asks "Why am I alive?" Once is with Gwen, and the second time is with "Gwen 2.0" (the new version of her mother). The first times, Gwen responds with simple pleasures like music and her love, but this answer doesn't satisfy Jules. The second time, the answer is that it doesn't matter because "whatever you do will be wonderful and worthwhile." Jules then squints her eyes in suspicion and Gwen explains her answer further, discussing kindness, empathy, and energy.

This is hands down my favorite scene in the movie. It takes place during Christmas after Gwen opens Jules' gift, which is a stylized portrait of her.

What draws the most interest in Advantageous is not the plot itself, but the themes it portrays. Social problems then are not much different in topic than today. The future society is completely possible. In terms of being anxious about the direction of the world and not understanding their purpose, the youth of today is not that much different compared to Jules. The greed of society and lack of compassion are not foreign either. Though many people only care about the production and income of an individual, there is still raw and rich love between a mother and her daughter. Overall, Advantageous is a movie that effectively explores the concept of human value.

Perfection

Literal perfection does not exist. 

I myself am a perfectionist at least 80% of the time. Of course there are pros, but overall, it's just so taxing. Sure, you get good products from detailed criticisms, but when it extends to yourself, the benefits just fade away. To seek improvement is healthy, but when you beat yourself up day after day over your shortcomings, it's tiresome, miserable, and unhealthy. The thing is, people are just not meant to be perfect.

The concept of perfection comes in multiple forms. Something can be considered perfect when you're content with it, but the form that I'm discussing is absolute flawlessness. Ironically, these different concepts of perfection are actually opposites. It's accepting or even loving flaws versus seeking to eliminate every last one. The latter is taking self-criticism to the extreme.

Being a perfectionist towards yourself hurts your self esteem and results in unnecessary hardships. I myself know that you can't simply stop, but I'd like to offer some consolation to anyone who can't help but be painfully hard on themselves.

People aren't meant to be perfect. Shortcomings create roads, journeys. If you don't have anything to improve on, you have nowhere to go. If you absolutely and completely excel at everything, there is no room for growth. Having things to better is a good thing, because once you hit the top, you can only go down from there. 

Comparison

Nocturne in Black and Gold - The Falling Rocket James Abbot McNeill Whistler

"Comparison will kill you" is an incredibly common phrase. It's true too. When you compare yourself to other that you deem "better", you kill your self-esteem, your joy, etc. To put yourself down in the sight of others is a disrespect to yourself and does not bring the other person up. Comparison of looks, skill, and related topics does not help anyone.

When I joined color guard during my freshman year, there was a junior named Kaleigh who honestly scared me at first (she made my friend cry upon first meeting too). Kaleigh was strict, hardworking, and an intense person. She was tiny in size, but could intimidate so easily. Soon enough, she unexpectedly became a mentor to me. She taught me new skills, offered a never-ending supply of constructive criticism, and gave me the tough love that allowed me to develop better skills. She not only guided me in color guard, but shared her thoughts and experiences on abstract concepts and profound ideas. Kaleigh was not only an older friend, but a source of learning. 

Though she wasn't the most skilled in dance (which I actually helped her out with), she had power in her moves and was especially good at rifle. Kaleigh had good technique. She learned well and could execute. I was surprised when during my sophomore year when she told me of her doubts in her ability. It was her senior year, and of course, there was a senior student appointed as the guard captain. It wasn't Kaleigh, and though she was not bitter, she felt as if she were lesser than the leader. Our guard captain was the opposite of Kaleigh, with a relaxed attitude and a moderate flow instead of Kaleigh's sharp power and precision. On a rainy night, after driving around town and getting snacks, Kaleigh and I were chilling in my room when she told me that she just felt inadequate in color guard. She then proceeded to compare herself to the leader. She said the guard leader (her peer) was liked a lot more by the coach, was more graceful, etc. It pained me to hear how much these thoughts burdened her. 

In response, I told her "You're not lacking in skill, and you're not without talent. Kaleigh, you're hardworking and incredibly skilled. Think of it this way, you two are like different colors. Sure our coach likes one color more, due to her own personal taste, but that does not make the other without brilliance. You simply can't compare the two. Both are beautiful and both are just different. Favor shows opinion, not fact. There just can't be a better one."

Though it is tough, I beg you not to compare yourself to anyone else. Don't put yourself down or long to be that person, because you have so many irreplaceable qualities with their own brilliance. You are a masterpiece. If you don't possess what's declared favorable by society or peers, you are not lacking. In fact, there are things that are unique about you, and people will and do appreciate them. In their eras, Vincent van Gogh and James Abbott McNeill Whistler were mocked and disrespected because what they had to offer didn't conform to the popular taste. Their works were magnificent and lived on. In terms of value, it doesn't matter what anyone else has, because it's just not related to what you have. The qualities you have are a treasure, so treat them as such.

Most Beautiful Moment in Life: Rowan

"What has been your most beautiful moment in life?"

"I haven't lived yet. I haven't done anything momentous yet, so nothing."

"Okay, then what is something that you think will be one of the most beautiful things you do?"

"Maybe finding my birth mother, getting married, having kids...I don't know?"

"Could you share more about meeting your birth mother?"

"When I'm eighteen I'd find a private investigator or somehow get the information about her, then write her a letter and ask her if she wanted to meet me. If she did, then I guess it'd be super hella awkward because I'd have to bring my mom. But anyway, I'd get to meet her kids and have little brothers and sisters. I've always thought about that."

"Oh, so you'd be the oldest sibling? What's your family like right now?"

"I'm the middle child. My older brother is named Riston, and my younger sister is named Ferin. Ferin's a little brat, as most little kids are. Well....she's not little since she's a year younger than me, but I think I'm better than her because it's true. (laughs) Riston's always gone because he's in college. I miss him a lot. He's moving to Kansas City and it's sad because I don't want him to leave. I relate more to Riston than Ferin because Ferin's in theater and Riston's just a geek like me. We're two geeks in a....geek squad...car....or something."

"I'm envisioning a small clown car. Not gonna lie."

"I'm picturing -because I saw a show that Riston show me, because we like the same things of course- a show called Chuck. It's about this guy, Chuck, that works at a Best Buy type of store. You know how they have the geek squad or the nerd herd? Those tech people with the cars?"

"....Sure."

"That's what I meant. Sorry."

"Okay. What's it been like in your family growing up? Has anything been different for you?"

"No, I remember my first memory talking about my adoption was in third grade. I forgot the teacher, but I remember telling everyone, 'Guys! Did you know I'm adopted? And I'm getting a pool. I remember I said the same two things. I'd be like 'Wait? You didn't know I"m adopted and getting a pool?! What?!' I was a pretty self-centered kid, not gonna lie."

"Ha, anyway, how old were you when you were told that you were adopted? What was it like?"

"Um, too young to remember what age. I always remember knowing it. I can't remember there ever being a time when I didn't know it. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, I got you! Do you think about it very often, or is it just kind of low-key?"

"I think, I don't know. Both? Like, it's in the background, but I also think about it a lot. It's a 'what if?'. I already have a great family, so meeting my other family would just be another cherry on top of the sundae."

"What have you found out so far about your brith mother or pre-adoption life?"

"I know that I had a foster family for a while. I forgot their names, but my mom and dad said they were pretty chill and that they loved me. They named me Breanna, but my mom and dad didn't really like that name. They thought it was kind of a preppy girl name or like a popular and too common name, so they named me Rowan instead. An then, I don't really know much about her other than weird details. My dad didn't want me and I basically the product of a one night stand in a hotel room. My dad was also a wedding crasher (they met at a wedding). It was in Chicago, and then my birth mother moved to Iowa City and gave birth to me there. I also know that my dad was a redhead and my mom smoked during her pregnancy. To her defense, she didn't know she was pregnant with me."

"So when you imagine meeting your birth mother, if you're imagining a positive situation -which I'm sure it will be- what do you feel?"

"Ummm, kind of excitement, but also dread because I feel bad talking about it with my actual parents. They feel like they're better than she is. Not necessarily in a snobby way, but because they put in hard work raising me. I also feel bad because it seems like I have more interest in her than I have in them."

"So you feel kind of guilty in a way?"

"Yeah! That's the word I was looking for. Whenever I talk about it with them, they're just kind of try to be accepting, but I tell they don't like it, so I try not to bring it up."

"You said that when you imagine meeting her, you have this scenario where she introduces you to her kids. Could you go into more detail about this mental scene and how it plays out?"

"I just picture sending her the letter and her being like 'Oh! No way! I want to meet you in person! I bet you're so beautiful! I've never seen you before blah, blah, blah'. Then I'd go to her house. In some scenarios, I see her as being rich, then in others, she's living in a trailer park. I'd definitely be chill with either one! I actually read a book by James Patterson called Maximum Ride. It was about these little bird kids that went to go find their birth parents. This one kid went to meet them in a trailer park. Anyways, I always pictured her just accepting her and it being awkward because my actual mom would be five feet behind us. We'd squeal and hug. I also pictured there being a big holiday where I'd be the awkward one going to my birth family's celebration. Does that make sense?"

"I get you, don't worry! It's like in Switched at Birth where they invite the other family to celebrate Christmas with them."

"Yeah! I actually really feel like I can identify with that show."

"Haha, I can see why. You've told me before that it was a closed adoption, right?"

"Yeah."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that I can't know anything about my parents or find out anything until I'm eighteen. MY parents can't really tell me anything specific, even though they have. I know where and what day I"m born, but I don't know a lot about my birth parents."

"Since you're so curious about this, which is of course reasonable since it's such a huge mystery of a piece of your identity, is there any tension caused by your curiosity and the closed adoption circumstances?"

"No. I love reading and writing, so I just consider it an interesting thing about me. I'm not upset as much as I am curious. Sometimes I'm just like 'Why can't I know anything?' but of course the answer is 'It's a closed adoption. You're not allowed to know anything, or else we'll get into big trouble' which I just respond with 'Okay!' and leave it at that. "

"So you're chill with it and you just understand."

"Oh yeah, I'm chill. So chill. Definitely chill."

"I hate to be super negative here, but do you ever picture any bad outcomes of meeting your mom?"

"Yeah, I have pictured her either not responding to my theoretical letter or me going up to her door step and a thing from Across the Universe happening. The movie's based on a bunch of Beatles songs and the guy lives in Europe. He talks about how he goes back to America or a different part of Europe, I can't remember. He meets his dad, whom he had never known before, and the dad is super negative towards him and doesn't want him to be there. He says he already has a family and that he doesn't need him. I picture something almost like that, but I already love my family so much. I'd be so sad. It'd be like ripping the cherry off the sundae, but my sundae is already pretty hella good."

"So basically, these are situations of rejection."

"Yeah, I'd probably be a little messed up afterward. Maybe I'd need a little therapy."

"But the risk is worth taking, right?"

"Yeah, for sure."

"Is this a huge dream of yours or is it a side goal? How much importance does it have to you?"

"It's just kind of a side goal, but a pretty important one. Maybe number one or two on the side goal list. I mean, I don't really know what else is on my side goal list, so it's number one. It's not super important. There are more important things in life like going to college, finding the one, making lifelong best friends like you-"

'AWWWWWWW YISSSSSS."

"-and then just finding who you are. Shoot, well it's kind of apart of that so, uh..."

"It's like you want to find who you are, and rather than this being all of it, it's just a piece of that. You can still do all of that without it, but this would be a really great part to have."

"Yeah! I couldn't have said it any better myself."