"What has been your most beautiful moment in life?"
"I haven't lived yet. I haven't done anything momentous yet, so nothing."
"Okay, then what is something that you think will be one of the most beautiful things you do?"
"Maybe finding my birth mother, getting married, having kids...I don't know?"
"Could you share more about meeting your birth mother?"
"When I'm eighteen I'd find a private investigator or somehow get the information about her, then write her a letter and ask her if she wanted to meet me. If she did, then I guess it'd be super hella awkward because I'd have to bring my mom. But anyway, I'd get to meet her kids and have little brothers and sisters. I've always thought about that."
"Oh, so you'd be the oldest sibling? What's your family like right now?"
"I'm the middle child. My older brother is named Riston, and my younger sister is named Ferin. Ferin's a little brat, as most little kids are. Well....she's not little since she's a year younger than me, but I think I'm better than her because it's true. (laughs) Riston's always gone because he's in college. I miss him a lot. He's moving to Kansas City and it's sad because I don't want him to leave. I relate more to Riston than Ferin because Ferin's in theater and Riston's just a geek like me. We're two geeks in a....geek squad...car....or something."
"I'm envisioning a small clown car. Not gonna lie."
"I'm picturing -because I saw a show that Riston show me, because we like the same things of course- a show called Chuck. It's about this guy, Chuck, that works at a Best Buy type of store. You know how they have the geek squad or the nerd herd? Those tech people with the cars?"
"....Sure."
"That's what I meant. Sorry."
"Okay. What's it been like in your family growing up? Has anything been different for you?"
"No, I remember my first memory talking about my adoption was in third grade. I forgot the teacher, but I remember telling everyone, 'Guys! Did you know I'm adopted? And I'm getting a pool. I remember I said the same two things. I'd be like 'Wait? You didn't know I"m adopted and getting a pool?! What?!' I was a pretty self-centered kid, not gonna lie."
"Ha, anyway, how old were you when you were told that you were adopted? What was it like?"
"Um, too young to remember what age. I always remember knowing it. I can't remember there ever being a time when I didn't know it. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah, I got you! Do you think about it very often, or is it just kind of low-key?"
"I think, I don't know. Both? Like, it's in the background, but I also think about it a lot. It's a 'what if?'. I already have a great family, so meeting my other family would just be another cherry on top of the sundae."
"What have you found out so far about your brith mother or pre-adoption life?"
"I know that I had a foster family for a while. I forgot their names, but my mom and dad said they were pretty chill and that they loved me. They named me Breanna, but my mom and dad didn't really like that name. They thought it was kind of a preppy girl name or like a popular and too common name, so they named me Rowan instead. An then, I don't really know much about her other than weird details. My dad didn't want me and I basically the product of a one night stand in a hotel room. My dad was also a wedding crasher (they met at a wedding). It was in Chicago, and then my birth mother moved to Iowa City and gave birth to me there. I also know that my dad was a redhead and my mom smoked during her pregnancy. To her defense, she didn't know she was pregnant with me."
"So when you imagine meeting your birth mother, if you're imagining a positive situation -which I'm sure it will be- what do you feel?"
"Ummm, kind of excitement, but also dread because I feel bad talking about it with my actual parents. They feel like they're better than she is. Not necessarily in a snobby way, but because they put in hard work raising me. I also feel bad because it seems like I have more interest in her than I have in them."
"So you feel kind of guilty in a way?"
"Yeah! That's the word I was looking for. Whenever I talk about it with them, they're just kind of try to be accepting, but I tell they don't like it, so I try not to bring it up."
"You said that when you imagine meeting her, you have this scenario where she introduces you to her kids. Could you go into more detail about this mental scene and how it plays out?"
"I just picture sending her the letter and her being like 'Oh! No way! I want to meet you in person! I bet you're so beautiful! I've never seen you before blah, blah, blah'. Then I'd go to her house. In some scenarios, I see her as being rich, then in others, she's living in a trailer park. I'd definitely be chill with either one! I actually read a book by James Patterson called Maximum Ride. It was about these little bird kids that went to go find their birth parents. This one kid went to meet them in a trailer park. Anyways, I always pictured her just accepting her and it being awkward because my actual mom would be five feet behind us. We'd squeal and hug. I also pictured there being a big holiday where I'd be the awkward one going to my birth family's celebration. Does that make sense?"
"I get you, don't worry! It's like in Switched at Birth where they invite the other family to celebrate Christmas with them."
"Yeah! I actually really feel like I can identify with that show."
"Haha, I can see why. You've told me before that it was a closed adoption, right?"
"Yeah."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that I can't know anything about my parents or find out anything until I'm eighteen. MY parents can't really tell me anything specific, even though they have. I know where and what day I"m born, but I don't know a lot about my birth parents."
"Since you're so curious about this, which is of course reasonable since it's such a huge mystery of a piece of your identity, is there any tension caused by your curiosity and the closed adoption circumstances?"
"No. I love reading and writing, so I just consider it an interesting thing about me. I'm not upset as much as I am curious. Sometimes I'm just like 'Why can't I know anything?' but of course the answer is 'It's a closed adoption. You're not allowed to know anything, or else we'll get into big trouble' which I just respond with 'Okay!' and leave it at that. "
"So you're chill with it and you just understand."
"Oh yeah, I'm chill. So chill. Definitely chill."
"I hate to be super negative here, but do you ever picture any bad outcomes of meeting your mom?"
"Yeah, I have pictured her either not responding to my theoretical letter or me going up to her door step and a thing from Across the Universe happening. The movie's based on a bunch of Beatles songs and the guy lives in Europe. He talks about how he goes back to America or a different part of Europe, I can't remember. He meets his dad, whom he had never known before, and the dad is super negative towards him and doesn't want him to be there. He says he already has a family and that he doesn't need him. I picture something almost like that, but I already love my family so much. I'd be so sad. It'd be like ripping the cherry off the sundae, but my sundae is already pretty hella good."
"So basically, these are situations of rejection."
"Yeah, I'd probably be a little messed up afterward. Maybe I'd need a little therapy."
"But the risk is worth taking, right?"
"Yeah, for sure."
"Is this a huge dream of yours or is it a side goal? How much importance does it have to you?"
"It's just kind of a side goal, but a pretty important one. Maybe number one or two on the side goal list. I mean, I don't really know what else is on my side goal list, so it's number one. It's not super important. There are more important things in life like going to college, finding the one, making lifelong best friends like you-"
'AWWWWWWW YISSSSSS."
"-and then just finding who you are. Shoot, well it's kind of apart of that so, uh..."
"It's like you want to find who you are, and rather than this being all of it, it's just a piece of that. You can still do all of that without it, but this would be a really great part to have."
"Yeah! I couldn't have said it any better myself."
"Could you share more about meeting your birth mother?"
"When I'm eighteen I'd find a private investigator or somehow get the information about her, then write her a letter and ask her if she wanted to meet me. If she did, then I guess it'd be super hella awkward because I'd have to bring my mom. But anyway, I'd get to meet her kids and have little brothers and sisters. I've always thought about that."
"Oh, so you'd be the oldest sibling? What's your family like right now?"
"I'm the middle child. My older brother is named Riston, and my younger sister is named Ferin. Ferin's a little brat, as most little kids are. Well....she's not little since she's a year younger than me, but I think I'm better than her because it's true. (laughs) Riston's always gone because he's in college. I miss him a lot. He's moving to Kansas City and it's sad because I don't want him to leave. I relate more to Riston than Ferin because Ferin's in theater and Riston's just a geek like me. We're two geeks in a....geek squad...car....or something."
"I'm envisioning a small clown car. Not gonna lie."
"I'm picturing -because I saw a show that Riston show me, because we like the same things of course- a show called Chuck. It's about this guy, Chuck, that works at a Best Buy type of store. You know how they have the geek squad or the nerd herd? Those tech people with the cars?"
"....Sure."
"That's what I meant. Sorry."
"Okay. What's it been like in your family growing up? Has anything been different for you?"
"No, I remember my first memory talking about my adoption was in third grade. I forgot the teacher, but I remember telling everyone, 'Guys! Did you know I'm adopted? And I'm getting a pool. I remember I said the same two things. I'd be like 'Wait? You didn't know I"m adopted and getting a pool?! What?!' I was a pretty self-centered kid, not gonna lie."
"Ha, anyway, how old were you when you were told that you were adopted? What was it like?"
"Um, too young to remember what age. I always remember knowing it. I can't remember there ever being a time when I didn't know it. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah, I got you! Do you think about it very often, or is it just kind of low-key?"
"I think, I don't know. Both? Like, it's in the background, but I also think about it a lot. It's a 'what if?'. I already have a great family, so meeting my other family would just be another cherry on top of the sundae."
"What have you found out so far about your brith mother or pre-adoption life?"
"I know that I had a foster family for a while. I forgot their names, but my mom and dad said they were pretty chill and that they loved me. They named me Breanna, but my mom and dad didn't really like that name. They thought it was kind of a preppy girl name or like a popular and too common name, so they named me Rowan instead. An then, I don't really know much about her other than weird details. My dad didn't want me and I basically the product of a one night stand in a hotel room. My dad was also a wedding crasher (they met at a wedding). It was in Chicago, and then my birth mother moved to Iowa City and gave birth to me there. I also know that my dad was a redhead and my mom smoked during her pregnancy. To her defense, she didn't know she was pregnant with me."
"So when you imagine meeting your birth mother, if you're imagining a positive situation -which I'm sure it will be- what do you feel?"
"Ummm, kind of excitement, but also dread because I feel bad talking about it with my actual parents. They feel like they're better than she is. Not necessarily in a snobby way, but because they put in hard work raising me. I also feel bad because it seems like I have more interest in her than I have in them."
"So you feel kind of guilty in a way?"
"Yeah! That's the word I was looking for. Whenever I talk about it with them, they're just kind of try to be accepting, but I tell they don't like it, so I try not to bring it up."
"You said that when you imagine meeting her, you have this scenario where she introduces you to her kids. Could you go into more detail about this mental scene and how it plays out?"
"I just picture sending her the letter and her being like 'Oh! No way! I want to meet you in person! I bet you're so beautiful! I've never seen you before blah, blah, blah'. Then I'd go to her house. In some scenarios, I see her as being rich, then in others, she's living in a trailer park. I'd definitely be chill with either one! I actually read a book by James Patterson called Maximum Ride. It was about these little bird kids that went to go find their birth parents. This one kid went to meet them in a trailer park. Anyways, I always pictured her just accepting her and it being awkward because my actual mom would be five feet behind us. We'd squeal and hug. I also pictured there being a big holiday where I'd be the awkward one going to my birth family's celebration. Does that make sense?"
"I get you, don't worry! It's like in Switched at Birth where they invite the other family to celebrate Christmas with them."
"Yeah! I actually really feel like I can identify with that show."
"Haha, I can see why. You've told me before that it was a closed adoption, right?"
"Yeah."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that I can't know anything about my parents or find out anything until I'm eighteen. MY parents can't really tell me anything specific, even though they have. I know where and what day I"m born, but I don't know a lot about my birth parents."
"Since you're so curious about this, which is of course reasonable since it's such a huge mystery of a piece of your identity, is there any tension caused by your curiosity and the closed adoption circumstances?"
"No. I love reading and writing, so I just consider it an interesting thing about me. I'm not upset as much as I am curious. Sometimes I'm just like 'Why can't I know anything?' but of course the answer is 'It's a closed adoption. You're not allowed to know anything, or else we'll get into big trouble' which I just respond with 'Okay!' and leave it at that. "
"So you're chill with it and you just understand."
"Oh yeah, I'm chill. So chill. Definitely chill."
"I hate to be super negative here, but do you ever picture any bad outcomes of meeting your mom?"
"Yeah, I have pictured her either not responding to my theoretical letter or me going up to her door step and a thing from Across the Universe happening. The movie's based on a bunch of Beatles songs and the guy lives in Europe. He talks about how he goes back to America or a different part of Europe, I can't remember. He meets his dad, whom he had never known before, and the dad is super negative towards him and doesn't want him to be there. He says he already has a family and that he doesn't need him. I picture something almost like that, but I already love my family so much. I'd be so sad. It'd be like ripping the cherry off the sundae, but my sundae is already pretty hella good."
"So basically, these are situations of rejection."
"Yeah, I'd probably be a little messed up afterward. Maybe I'd need a little therapy."
"But the risk is worth taking, right?"
"Yeah, for sure."
"Is this a huge dream of yours or is it a side goal? How much importance does it have to you?"
"It's just kind of a side goal, but a pretty important one. Maybe number one or two on the side goal list. I mean, I don't really know what else is on my side goal list, so it's number one. It's not super important. There are more important things in life like going to college, finding the one, making lifelong best friends like you-"
'AWWWWWWW YISSSSSS."
"-and then just finding who you are. Shoot, well it's kind of apart of that so, uh..."
"It's like you want to find who you are, and rather than this being all of it, it's just a piece of that. You can still do all of that without it, but this would be a really great part to have."
"Yeah! I couldn't have said it any better myself."
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